The Drawing Room ‘Rishta’ hunt

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Marriage is always the great question mark for a girl, a question that slowly took over her entire life. So these so-called marriage experts claim that, If, love does not knock of its own accord on your doors, then they manually construct a loving family by finding the perfect arranged marriage that both sides can approve of. And always quoting lame example that only arrange marriages are far more likely to lead to a lasting affection than love marriages. But this practice of finding a perfect marriage material for their not-so-good and ordinary looking (but quite handsome and dominant in their eyes) son is really getting excruciating, in Pakistan.

Imagine a girl who was living her life a total carefree, had a beaming personality, took laughter and joy with her wherever she went. All she wanted was a happiness and personal satisfaction – until she graduated and realized that a stable job (even in number of 6) and educated profile (even when Doctor), Its still not enough for the society she inhabited.

No matter how well she was doing, her friends and family kept asking the same question, every single time they met: “So when are you planning to get married?”

The very beautiful and colorful rainbow that she called LIFE then suddenly become full of shades she never needed.

And then the DRAWING ROOM HUNT starts. Every day, her parents talk to her about different proposals from men with white collar jobs, golden families and greying hair.

Greying hair Men! Yes, far more better, energetic (normal BP 140/100mmHg, with some acidity and flatulence problem) for a 20 year old girl. Not to mention nearly to die soon.

She is relatively unlucky when it comes to the genetic lottery. If her complexion is not as bright as society would have liked it to be. If her profession is not the proposal-type (she wasn’t a doctor). Though she won at life, she did not match the presumed guidelines for perfect marriage material.

Countless times, she dress up in a bright and colored shalwar kameez, brushed her hair, put on a perfect smile and greeted new guests, who are there to decide if they find her suitable for marriage.

But the bottom line is always the same:

“Our son is fairer than her.”

“She looks older than my son.”

“She is nothing like her pictures.”

Then some lame and pathetic comments by Dulha’s sister (Imagine a comment from a girl to girl, but this girl is DULHA’s sister this time which makes her forget about her being on same stage someday, If unmarried)

“I don’t like her teeth when she smiles. They look so big,” 

“And look at her nose. It seems like the flaring nostrils of a dragon. Bhai likes sleek, pointed noses.”

“‘She’s not a doctor.”

If a Doctor then, “We will let her sit home and make gol gol rotis” ( Yeah, that’s what she had spent all of her life; studied hard, took As so that one day she could make GOL GOL ROTIS)

And the most disturbing of all:

“We have seen four girls and we like all of them so we’ll call you when we decide.”

Needless to say, her parents never hear from these families again.

The girl during all these hunts go puzzled and depressed, eventually slowly losing her self-worth. She begun to forget all the personality traits – she stand at a point where she isn’t able to list a single attribute that she admired in herself.

 “Shatter the glass and see the world for what it is; fake nightmares, hallucinated dreams. Yet, even I can smile when I see beauty in truth and truth in beauty.”

It is my humble request to every girl who feels unlucky with love and is facing trouble getting married to not be so hard on herself.

There is more to life than marriage. Commitment, kindness and love for your own self, and for the people who matter to you, are much more meaningful than worrying non-stop about getting married. Don’t do this to yourself. Your thoughts are your companions and you are in charge of them – hire or fire them whenever you want.

The legitimacy of an early, speedy marriage is overrated. Don’t fall for it.

Stay Blessed all pretty ladies out there!

Eulogy; to be read at my Funeral

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If tomorrow starts without me;
And I’m not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry;
The way you did today;
While thinking of the many things;
We didn’t get to say.
I know how much you love me;
As much as I love you;
And each time that you think of me;
know you’ll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me;
Please try to understand;
That an angel came and called my name;
And took me by the hand;
And said my place was ready; In heaven far above;
And that I’d have to leave behind;
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away; A tear fell from my eye;
For all my life; I’d always thought; I didn’t want to die.
I had so much to live for; So much left yet to do.
It seemed almost impossible;That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays;The good ones and the bad;
I thought of all that we shared; And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday;
Just even for a while;
I’d say good-bye and kiss you;And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized;
That this could never be;
For emptiness and memories; Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things; I might miss some tomorrow;
I thought of you; and when I did;
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven’s gates; I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me; From His great golden throne,
He said, “This is eternity,And all I’ve promised you.” Today your life on earth is past; But here life starts a new.
I promise no tomorrow; But today will always last;
And since each day is the same way; There’s no longing for the past.
So when tomorrow starts without me;
Don’t think we’re far apart; For every time you think of me;
I’m right here, in your heart .

Understanding men

Men may be dog but truth is we love them anyway. Many women find it incredibly difficult to understand men. What you need to understand is that we are totally different but fact is we are incomplete without them in every walk of life. So, instead of giving up, all of us should try to embrace the differences and accept each other for who we really are. Only then, we can use all of this knowledge to our advantage. Writing this is for the purpose to understand the differences between the sexes and explains how we can use these differences to our advantage.

Modern science has allowed us to study the male and female brains and come up with conclusions as to why we are so different. This is mainly down to how our brains are structured, and that’s what this article is about. It will not teach you how to make him fall in love with you but it will show you why we are so different and as soon as you understand these differences and accept them as reality, it will become much more easier to relate to men.

What can you do with this sort of information? Men love women that they can connect to, although we may never reach the same level of communication, by vocalizing your emotions more often you’ll have a higher chance of connecting with a man.

Also, by understanding what this article tried to explain (that we are incredibly different) you can change your perception on men and instead getting upset and saying “You don’t understand me!”…you can laugh inside and think to yourself, “Haha, you don’t have the ability to understand me, you primitive creature”.

Human Relationships: Women communicate much better than men, they focus on how to create a solution that works for the entire group, talking through issues, and utilizes non-verbal cues such as tone, emotion and empathy. Men on the other hand, tend to be more task oriented, less talkative and more isolated. Men have a hard time understanding emotions that are not spoken, while women tend to intuit emotions and emotional cues. These differences clearly explain why men and women sometimes have difficulty in communication and why men-to-men friendships look different from friendships among women.

What does this mean? If you ever had a conversation with a man and got deep into a subject but yet felt like you spoke a completely different language well, this is to blame. In your first steps to understanding men this is the first thing you need to comprehend, MEN ARE DIFFERENT. They are so different in fact that sometimes we can’t even communicate but, if you can try to lower yourself to our level of communication, which means vocalizing the majority of your emotions, you’ll have a much better chance at properly communicating with a man.

Now, I’m not telling you to vocalize absolutely everything that you’re feeling but when a man asks you if something is wrong and you say “Nothing” you need to understand that unless you actually TELL HIM what’s wrong, he won’t have the slightest clue. Sure, you’re best friends get you and maybe even your husband if you’ve been together for years but, the average guy or even your 2 year long boyfriend won’t. Lowering yourself down to our more simple way of communicating will only make life easier for all of us.

Left brain vs both hemispheres: Experts have proven that men process better in the left hemisphere while women tend to process equally well between the two hemispheres. This difference clearly shows why men are stronger with left-brain activities and approach problem solving from a task-oriented perspective while women typically solve problems more creatively and are more aware of feelings while communicating.

What does this mean? This task oriented approach means men think in the following manner when trying to solve a problem:  “In order to solve this problem I will need to get this done first, then this other thing, then this and then they all fit into place and get this done”. Multitasking? There’s no such thing as multitasking when it comes to men…This also explains why men get angry when you are multitasking (e.g talking to them and doing something else) because they simply can’t understand what you’re doing. This is another prime example that will get you closer to accepting just how different men are and proves why men are better in some jobs (programming, business) and women in others (teaching, caretaking).

Mathematical Abilities: An area in the brain called the inferior-parietal lobule (IPL) is typically significantly larger in men, especially on the left side, than in women. This is the section responsible with mathematical ability, and probably explains why men perform higher in mathematical tasks than do women. What’s even more interesting is that this area of the brain that was abnormally large in Einstein. The IPL also processes sensory information, and the larger right side in women allows them to focus on, “specific stimuli, such as baby crying in the night”.

Reaction to stress: In stress situation men have a response reaction that resembles “fight or flight” while women react with a “tend and befriend” strategy. Psychologist Shelly E. Taylor first came up with the phrase “tend an befriend” after noticing that during times of stress women tend to take care of themselves and their children (tending) and form strong group bonds (befriending). The reason behind these different reactions to stress is down to hormones. When someone is under stress the hormone oxytocin is released into the body. In men, testosterone reduces the effects of oxytocin as it is produced in high volumes during stress; this explains the reason for the “fight or flight” response. In women, estrogen amplifies the effects of oxytocin resulting in calming and nurturing feelings.

Language: The two sections in the brain which are responsible for language have been found to be significantly larger in women than in men, indicating one reason why women typically excel in language-based subjects and in language-associated thinking. It’s also important to mention that men typically process language in one hemisphere whilst women process it in both. This differences offers a bit of protection in case of a stroke, as women may be able to recover fully from a stroke affecting the language areas in the brain while men may not have this same advantage.

Emotions: The most obvious difference is probably the emotions. Women have a larger deep limbic system than men, it allows them o be more in touch with their feelings and better able to express themselves, which promotes bonding with others. This is one of the reasons why women serve as caregivers for children. Sadly this comes with a downside as this larger deep limbic system also opens women up to depression, especially during times of hormonal shifts such as after childbirth or during a woman’s menstrual cycle.

What does this mean? Again, as I’ve mentioned above, women are much better at communicating than men so, if you want to be understood by a man you need to lower yourself to his level of communication. Vocalize what you are feeling and he will have a much easier time in understanding you. Don’t give up saying, “ah men don’t understand me”, try to make them understand and you will see that your love life success will greatly improve.

Also, it’s worth mentioning that some men understand these differences themselves and will, in turn, try to take advantage of your emotional brain by making you feel good all of the time. Sure, this may sound great, but in reality many of the men that understand this concept, often use it for their own benefit . However, it’s also important to note that many of these men live to please and if you can “keep” them you’re on the right track for a lifetime of happiness.

Brain Size: Typically, men’s brains are 11-12% bigger than women’s brains. Sadly, this difference in size has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence, but does explain the difference in size between men and women. Men need a bigger brain to control their bigger bodies and muscles.

Pain: Men and women perceive pain differently. Studies have shown that women need more morphine to reach the same level of pain reduction. They have also shown that woman vocalize their pain and seek treatment much quicker than men. During pain, an area of the brain called the amygdala is activated. Research has shown that in men the right amygdala (controls external functions) is activated and in women the left amygdala (controls internal functions) is activated. This is the reason women seem to perceive pain more intensely than men, although they can withstand higher levels of pain (childbirth).

So what can we draw from this article? Most importantly the fact that men and women are completely different. This is actually funny when you think about it because we can’t live without each other. Couples are essentially a better human being. Because both the male and female perspectives are shared regarding any life situation, life as a couple should be genuinely easier than single life. As we can say “They complete each other.

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Education of Ego

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Ego,  in psychoanalytic theory, that portion of the human personality which is experienced as the “self” or “I” and is in contact with the external world through perception. It is said to be the part that remembers, evaluates, plans, and in other ways is responsive to and acts in the surrounding physical and social world. 

Sigmund Freud would have been a great Hollywood screenwriter. His “story” of personality is one of desire, power, control, and freedom. The plot is complex and the characters compete. Our personalities represent a drama of sorts, acted out in our minds. “You” are a product of how competing mental forces and structures interact. The ancient Greeks thought that all people were actors in the drama of the gods above. For Freud, we are simply actors in the drama of our minds, pushed by desire, pulled by conscience. Underneath the surface, our personalities represent the power struggles going on deep within us.

Three main players carry all of this drama out:

  • Id: The seat of our impulses
  • Ego: Negotiates with the id, pleases the superego
  • Superego: Keeps us on the straight and narrow

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could get everything you wanted, whenever and however you wanted it? Unfortunately, most of us know otherwise. We all know how frustrating it can be when a desire goes unmet. Well, you can blame your ego for that. The ego’s main function is to mediate between the id’s demands and the external world around us — reality in other words. Does the Rolling Stones’ song “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” come to mind?

So far, it seems that, if it wasn’t for reality, we would be a lot more satisfied. Even though the ego finds itself in conflict with the id, satisfaction is not abandoned. The ego is like a sports agent for a really talented athlete. Even though the athlete may demand a multimillion-dollar contract, the agent reminds him that he could price himself out of a job. So the ego negotiates with the id in order to get it what it wants without costing it too much in the long run. The ego accomplishes this important task by converting, diverting, and transforming the powerful forces of the id into more useful and realistic modes of satisfaction. It attempts to harness the id’s power, regulating it in order to achieve satisfaction despite the limits of reality.

-Ego and Love

“The Ego is fortified by love (Ishq). This word is used in a very wide sense and means the desire to assimilate, to absorb. Its highest form is the creation of values and ideals and the endeavor to realize them. Love individualizes the lover as well as the beloved. The effort to realize the most unique individuality individualizes the seeker and implies the individuality of the sought, for nothing else would satisfy the nature of the seeker. As love fortifies the Ego, asking  weakens it.” All that is achieved without personal effort comes under asking. The son of a rich man who inherits his father’s wealth is an ‘asker’ (beggar); so is every one who thinks the thoughts of others. Thus, in order to fortify the Ego we should cultivate love, i.e. the power of assimilative action, and avoid all forms of ‘asking. 

A letter from an Aborted baby.

Dear Mommy and Dadda,

I woke up one day and felt myself in a dark yet very comfortable place and i got so excited when I began realizing my existence. I saw I had fingers and toes. I was pretty far along in my developing, yet not near ready to leave my surroundings. I spent most of my time thinking or sleeping. I enjoyed days spent with you. I love the food you ate. Mommy, like you, I also love cheese sandwich.

Even from my earliest days, I felt a special bonding between you and me.

Sometimes I heard you crying and I cried with you. Sometimes I heard Daddy yelling back. I was sad, and said ‘Dadda, Please don’t hurt my mom and hugged you from inside, hoped you would be better soon. I wondered why you cried so much until one day you, when you punch your womb and hated me. I felt more hurt than pain.

You came to your doctor and that same day, the most horrible thing happened. A very mean monster came into that warm, comfortable place I was in, my home. I was so scared, I began screaming, but you never once tried to help me. Maybe you never heard me. The monster got closer and closer as I was screaming and screaming, “Mommy, Mommy, help me please; Mommy, help me.”

Complete terror is all I felt. I screamed and screamed until I thought I couldn’t anymore. Then the monster started ripping my arms off. It hurt so bad; the pain I can never explain. It didn’t stop.

Oh, how I begged it to stop. I screamed in horror as it ripped my leg off.

Though I was in such complete pain, I was dying. I knew I would never see your face or hear you anymore I wanted to make all your tears go away. I had so many plans to make you happy. Now I couldn’t; all my dreams were shattered. Though I was in utter pain and horror, I felt the pain of my heart breaking, above all.

I wanted more than anything to be your son. No use now, for I was dying a painful death. I could only imagine the terrible things that they had done to you. I wanted to tell you that I love you before I was gone, but I didn’t know the words you could understand.

And soon, I no longer had the breath to say them; I was dead. I felt myself rising. I was being carried by a huge angel into a big beautiful place. I was still crying, but the physical pain was gone. The angel took me away to a wonderful place…

Then I was happy, I was in heaven. I asked the angel what was the thing that killed me. He answered, “Abortion”. I am sorry, for I know how it feels.” I don’t know what abortion is; I guess that’s the name of the monster.

I’m writing to say that I love you and to tell you how much I wanted to be your little son. I tried very hard to live. I wanted to live. I had the will, but I couldn’t; the monster was too powerful. It sucked my arms and legs off and finally got all of me. I felt pain but as long as for your happiness, I died. I’m happy for you now. I didn’t you to suffer for me. Its okay if they ripped me off and thrown me in garbage bag and got incinerated.

Mommy, now please be happy, I’m gone now for your sake and i’m happy and i’ll be waiting for you, here, in heaven. I’m planning for stuff I’ll be having in heaven with you. Also, Mommy, please watch out for that abortion monster. Mommy, I love you and I would hate for you to go through the kind of pain I did.

Please be careful.

Love,
Your aborted Baby.

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